Small changes

Pesach is upon us. I can still here the echoing of the 4 questions from my childhood. It seems so clear and easy to recall. But, it’s hard to ask why this night is different from all other nights when we do this every year…

It’s just the same as it was last year…

but it’s not.

Why?

Will it be because I will be in a new seder, or that I am wearing a new dress bought for the occasion, or will it be because I myself am different tonight as I sit down to go through the hagaddah this year.

I lean (to the left) towards the last reason. Passover isn’t just about the food or the atmosphere created by the retelling of the story. It is because there is a spiritual energy that flows through this holiday. The kabbalah teaches that this energy is one of redemption, renewal, and freedom. Pesach is a time to reset and refocus on what is important.

Pesach has always been one of, if not my favorite, holidays. I can still hear my Grandmother coming over with the silverware and silver polish and telling me that I had to be very careful as I scrubbed each and every utensil. I thought this was the most boring job in the world but it gave me time with my favorite grandparent that I can never forget. It was hard to take something that was tarnished, something that was used maybe once or twice a year, and bring it to a sparkling shine. I remember distinctly looking into the soapy water and at the polish and not understanding why I had to do this. They looked clean to me! My grandmother taught me a lot about introspection during this time, although maybe its taking me until now to realize it. It took mindfulness and meticulousness skills that are hard to manifest when you are younger. Being able to focus on that single item within my consciousness is important. Now, even though I don’t have silver to clean anymore I still clean my apartment and I take time to be introspective before the holiday. I am not only trying to get rid of all of the chametz in my house but also all of the chametz in my person. Just like the silver if I do not work on myself I will tarnish and go into disrepair. I am meant to grow.

While I am certainly bigger than I was when I was growing up, I was always the youngest at the table. Which means that I had to be the one that read the four questions. When I was very young I loved it, I got to be the center of attention and ask the adults the questions instead of the other way around. As I got older I hated it, I was the center of attention and I didn’t want to do anything except to eat the meal already! Now as I look back and remember seders of Pesachs past, there is so much that I remember. I remember the smell of lamb roasting with garlic, the first bite of matzah, the marror and charoset. My memories are mostly of the food but those memories are made important by the people that I shared that meal with, the songs we sang, and how each year it was different than the year before. It’s amazing how these smells, tastes and sounds can bring you back to a specific point in your life. It’s even more incredible because since we did it each year those memories are layered. They have the same basic tenets but their feel is different. This is the holiday where I learned the importance of everything that we do. We come together as a family, we eat, we talk about what binds us together and how we relate to something that connects us back to the story that we are telling.  Because it’s not just a story, it’s our history.

As I sit here now on my couch is Jerusalem my only thoughts are about how have I changed over the past year. I know that I am a different person.  I have moved 6,000 miles away from my home to the home of my ancestors. The ones who got lost for 40 years in the desert. Yup, those are the ones. The people that fled out of Egypt only dreamed of this land. It is the land that Hashem described for Moshe as “a land filled with milk and honey” .This move has not been easy and while I didn’t get lost for 40 years it’s had it’s own ups and downs. I felt like I was jumping into the unknown when I moved here. I had a general understanding of what and how things would play out but I didn’t know. I recently heard someone describe the Exodus from Egypt in the same terms. The Jews didn’t know what was going to happen to them left Egypt, they were just going on the word of Moshe that it would be okay. They were taking a leap of faith and going into the unknown instead of staying somewhere where they were comfortable but miserable. As I am typing this I am seeing the parallels into my own life. While I was never miserable living in the states I was happier whenever I was in Israel. It is because of this move that I have become more independent, self-assured, confident, and knowledgable about myself and what I stand for.

Just like our ancestors who were leaving Egypt had to grow and change into the people who would receive the Torah together establishing forevermore the nation of Israel. It’s hard to compare the little changes that I feel that I have made this year to the changes that surely come from watching Hashem set the 10 plagues upon Egypt. Even after the plagues not everyone was willing to leave Egypt only 1/5 of the Jewish people that was in Egypt actually left. So maybe it really is the small leaps of faith. The small changes that make the biggest difference overall.